How Changing My Mindset Changed my Life

I used to think the game of life was rigged against me. And that life was just something that was happening “to me”, instead of through me.

It was a very self-defeating way to live and played a huge role in my health issues after my physical body started to break down from the spiritual and emotional weight I had been asking it to carry for years on end.

And despite all the journaling, breathing, meditation and yoga I did and the countless self-help and spirituality books I read, nothing seemed to change. I struggled to understand why the very things that seemed to be creating incredible breakthroughs for others seemed to make no difference in my own life.

I found myself angry at the world, angry at God and most of all, angry at myself. This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. I had done all the things..checked all the boxes..followed the straight and narrow. And yet here I was sad, stagnant, and stuck while everyone else seemed to be moving on with their lives, and turning their dreams into a reality.

But that was yesterday. And a lot has changed since then.

Totally kidding. That was over 10 years ago. But a lot HAS changed - I wasn’t kidding about that part. So keep reading. ;)

As my health continued to decline and threaten every area of my life I knew something had to change.

I would love to tell you that the change was dramatic and fast but the truth is it wasn’t. And for a long time the reason I wasn’t able to create the change I wanted was because my mind didn’t actually believe that change was possible for me.

And because I didn’t truly believe it, I was looking to others to make change happen for me instead of looking to myself.

Coaches, healers, mentors, guides, shamans - I found them all. And as amazing as they were in their art and their guidance, they couldn’t actually do the work for me. I was the one who had to do that.

I took a good hard look at myself and the role I had played in getting to where I was. Facing yourself can be the most challenging and difficult thing to do in life when you don’t like where you are or who you’ve become.

And what I saw wasn’t all that pretty at first. But the truth was that everything that had led me to that point had been - in some way, shape and form - the result of a decision I had made and beliefs I had held in the past.

And if I wanted to change my results, I had to start making different decisions and choose new beliefs.

The more I started to embody my new thoughts and beliefs, the better I started feeling -physically, emotionally and energetically. Amazingly, the more I worked on my mind, the more resilient my body also became. It was then that I realized that my body hadn’t been responding to any of my healing efforts because my mind hadn’t been on board. It hadn’t believed that change and healing was possible.

By changing that belief, I was able to change my health - for the better. I finally felt aligned in mind, body and spirit. And that alignment is what ultimately helps to create a more fulfilling and meaningful life. Regardless of who you are or what you do. When all 3 are in harmony, so is life.

I truly believe that if we can learn to change our thoughts, we can change our entire experience of life, regardless of the events that may be unfolding around us.

I also believe every part of our journey - even the painful parts - offer us a gift, a lesson or an opportunity for transformation. So wherever you are in your own journey, look for the gift, the lesson or transformation that’s possible for you.

It’s in there somewhere. You just have to be willing to take a stand for it and believe in it.

As always,
Afsheen

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There's No Magic Pill

SO THERE'S NO MAGIC PILL THAT GIVES YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT IF YOU TAKE IT...BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN

YOU CAN’T GET WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE ANYWAY 

One of the biggest complaints I hear from clients (and friends) is that the goal they want to achieve or change they're looking to create is just taking "too long". 

They want that quick fix - essentially a magic pill -that will help them get results "right away". Hey I get it.  Who wouldn't love to see instant results or an immediate payoff from their efforts?  (I sure would!) 

And these days there's so much emphasis on instant gratification that it’s no wonder that most people are looking for a quick fix to almost every problem in life. They've convinced themselves that if they could just “fix” that one thing, then the rest of life would become magically perfect also. 

Sadly, there is no magic pill to fix that "one thing".  And even if you do find a quick fix, it's only a matter of time before the same problem shows up all over again.  Usually even worse than the first time.  Real change requires time.  And real solutions require real work.  So if you're looking to create lasting change, you have to ditch the shortcut mentality and start focusing on long term results.    

The truth is that short cuts are for those who think short term.  And while short cuts may give you some short term results - they won't create sustainable changes over the long run. The only way to get lasting results - in any area of life - is by doing the work, facing the discomfort and replacing temporary fixes with permanent solutions. 

Here are a few examples of actionable steps you can take right now to shift out of the shortcut mentality and start creating long term - and long lasting - results:

1. Enjoy the process just as much as the outcome. 
   Instead of falling in love with your intended results, learn to fall in love with the process of getting there.  So for example, if the result you’re after is to lose 10 lbs, instead of falling in love with how you think you will look when you’re 10 lbs skinnier, fall in love with the fact that you’re feeding your body healthier foods, and that working out more is giving you increased energy and making you stronger each time you do it. If you go by the number on the scale or the size of your clothing, chances are you’ll feel discouraged and may even be tempted to quit if the numbers you’re seeing don’t match the ideal you created in your head.  But if you learn to love the actions you’re taking to get to your intended result, you’re much more likely to stay on track and consistently take those actions which, over the long term, will lead to LASTING results - not just temporary ones.  
   

2. Imagine yourself as the type of person who already has the results you want.
   Change your inner identity to align with the type of person who accomplishes the goal you decide to set for yourself.  So much of who we are and what we do is based on the type of person we identify as.  And if we learn to identify as the type of person who’s capable of achieving a specific goal, we’re more likely to follow through on the actions that are needed to turn that goal into reality. Basically, if you see yourself as the type of person who already lives the life you want, you will naturally start doing more of the things that help you create that life.  Going back to the dieting example, if your goal is to lose 10 lbs and keep it off, the best way to get there is by seeing yourself as the type of person who already is 10 lbs lighter and does the things that a person who is 10 lbs lighter would do.  Maybe they’re the type of person that doesn’t eat out too often, gets enough sleep, gets movement in on a daily basis - and just enjoys taking good care of his/her body. If you can see yourself as being that type of person, you will do the things that are necessary to then become that person.  If you can see it,  you can believe it.  And if you can believe it, you can create it. 
   

3. Get support.
   Whether it’s a good friend, a partner, family member or coach that has your back, make sure you have someone in your corner who is not only rooting for you, but also keeping you accountable. Even the most motivated of people will face obstacles, tread backwards and lose their drive from time to time.  And when that happens, they turn to the people who will support them and get them back on track. Personally, I am super motivated most days but when I crash, I crash hard.  During those times, I turn to my friends, coaches and mentors for support.  And they have always helped me get back up.  My friends and family have always encouraged me to keep going. My coaches have helped me create (and smash) goals by helping me reframe the things that were keeping me stuck which allowed me to  move onward and upward.  There is no such thing as an army of one - we all need support at times and being able to ask for it when you need it most can make all the difference in whether we make (or break) our goals.   
   

4. Make it fun. 
   Anytime we make a process fun, our brain is less likely to see it as "work" and more likely to associate it with "fun". And the fact is, our brains are hardwired to seek pleasure and enjoyment.  (I mean seriously, who wouldn’t pick having fun over doing chores?) Use this innate need to seek fun in your favor!  Turn the process of reaching your goal into a game.  Find joy in the accomplishments you make along the way - even the little ones because little wins add up to big wins over time.  And the more fun you have along the way, the more likely you are to keep going! 
   

5. Cut Yourself Some Slack.
   Not all roads are straight. Some are slightly curved, some are brutally winding and some are steep and uphill.  We may even encounter roadblocks along the way that require us to re-route our trip entirely.  The road to accomplishing our goals can be much the same way.  No matter how well we plan and prepare, there may be unexpected twists and turns along the way that slow our progress and, at times, even set us back.  But just like we don’t stop driving when we run into a speed bump on the road, we can’t stop moving forward if we encounter an obstacle to our goals.  We may need to re-route and come up with a new route to get us there, but it doesn’t mean we have to (or should) give up.   Everyone faces setbacks but the people who make their goals a reality don’t beat themselves up over it, they simply acknowledge it happened and then keep moving forward anyway.  They identify as a person who perseveres and because of that, they also treat themselves with the compassion that’s needed to keep persevering. Even if you don’t see yourself as someone who perseveres (yet), allowing yourself the permission to make mistakes along the way and treating yourself with compassion when you do will go a long way when the speed bumps and roadblocks start to show up.
   

And last but not least - find a path that works best for YOU. One that you can actually stay on over the long term.  If the strategies your friends, family members or colleagues use to accomplish their goals don’t reflect who you are and don’t align with how you want to be, just don’t use them.  It’s that simple.  Instead, use the things that work for YOU and leave the rest behind- and that includes anything that I mentioned in this post that just doesn’t resonate with you.  ;)

At the end of the day, only you will know what is working and what isn’t.   By trying different things, you open yourself to more opportunities and options for success, but that doesn’t mean that all options will be right for you.  So go with what feels good and then keep on going from there.  Sometimes, it’s just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.  And as they say... even the journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step.

As always,
Afsheen

Ready to live your best life?

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I have a confession to make!

I have a confession to make! Earlier this year I was still talking the talk - but stopped walking the walk.

And it took a toll to say the least.  With loads of work pressure and new projects on my plate, my health took a backseat to deadlines in my day job and a new slew of goals for my business.

My stress levels and caffeine consumption were at an all time high while the quality of my sleep, recovery and nutrition were at an all time low. (And if the fatigue and brain fog wasn’t enough proof of that - my Oura and Firstbeat scores most certainly were!) 🤦🏽‍♀️

I justified it by telling myself that I had too many people relying on me and believing in me to slow down. But the truth was I was sliding back into old patterns of wanting to prove my worth and be everything to everyone.
And also show some of the haters that I could do everything they had said I couldn’t.

Instead of giving myself the grace I constantly encourage my clients to give themselves when pursuing their goals, I was giving myself daily headaches, pushing myself to mind-numbing levels of pain and exhaustion which was leading to my experiencing one injury after another. (Still haven’t gotten over that last injury!) 😓

I was doing the very things past experience had taught me not to.

I had also started to fall into the trap of comparing myself to others and re-hashing old hurtful memories that highlighted what was going wrong instead of all the things that had been going right.

I even found myself starting to lose my usual positive outlook. 😳

I started to feel lost and confused, and even started to question if I was still on the right path. (Thank you to my coaches, mentors and friends that pulled me out of that part quickly!)

My abilities were questioned. 🚫
My commitment faltered. 🚫
My creativity started to suffer.🚫
My auto-immune issues started to worsen. 🚫
And my fear and uncertainty started to heighten.🚫

Emotions that should have been immediately released were suppressed and were starting to find their way out in unhealthy and unproductive ways.

I knew better than this. I am better than this. And yet I was still backsliding.

And then I realized why. ‼️

I had let myself get so caught up in doing all the things that I thought I should be doing that I had lost my connection with myself and the reason

I was doing all of those things to begin with.

I had lost my inner knowing.

The one that had kept me on track and helped me make decisions that were aligned with the life I wanted to live. The one that made sure I nourished my spirit just as much as I did my mind and my body.

And without a well nourished spirit, it wasn’t long before I stopped nourishing my mind and body the way the deserved to be. Hence the exhaustion, the headaches, and the confusion.
(And none of this was during Mercury Retrograde - so for once I couldn't blame that.) 😝

Looking back on those moments I can easily see how I got there. I stopped taking time to reflect and be with myself. I made sure every moment of my day was “productive” so I could reach my goals more quickly and stopped giving my mind and my body the rest they needed to stay healthy, remain inspired and continue being creative.

All of this was extra ironic considering I teach my clients to do the exact opposite. I was talking the talk but had stopped walking the walk. It’s no surprise that every area of my life suffered as a result. My health. My business. Even my relationships.

And I didn’t reach any of my goals more quickly. All I really did was push them away by becoming so fixated on them that I ended up creating vibrational resistance to the very things I wanted most and ended up staying stuck exactly where I was. 😒

So I made some decisions.

And if you read my 50th birthday post you already know about some of those decisions. That's why I have spent the last couple of weeks really focusing on - and EMBODYING - one of the biggest decisions I made, which was to give myself more time, freedom and permission to do the things that make me feel alive and bring me more joy. 🙌

Without guilt.  And without any "shoulds" or "need to" thoughts popping into my head. 

I spent time pouring just as much into my own cup as I have been pouring into others. ❣️

I celebrated the good, acknowledged the bad and welcomed the best. (And as much as I got the best, as we all know, more of the best is yet to come.) ❣️

I will spend more time empowering my inner advocate and less time worrying about my inner critic. ❣️

I consistently reminded myself to keep holding my vision in my head..and keep holding the love that originally inspired that vision in my heart. ❣️

I let myself reconnect with myself so I could find out what it is that my inner child needs most right now and how I can best give that to her. ❣️

And most of all - I focused on listening to my inner voice so I could be true to myself and do whatever it was that felt best at that moment instead of doing the things that felt "most productive". ❣️

Basically, I started walking the walk again. And the path that I ended up on as a result has helped restore my health, my inner peace and my joy so I can go back to giving you guys the best of me - and not just what's left of me.

And on July 8th I will be using the "best of me" to pour back into you with a 2 hour live workshop on avoiding burnout and setting stronger boundaries so you can bring more joy and fulfillment into your own life.  Not sure if your boundaries are strong enough?  Take this free quiz and find out!
 

In my upcoming workshop we'll be diving deep into boundaries and how your lack of them may be keeping you from living a fulfilled and meaningful life.   You’ll also learn how you can start setting - and enforcing - stronger boundaries without guilt and WITH integrity.  

Click here to sign up now.  You will not want to miss this!


As always,
Afsheen

Ready to live your best life?

Book a coaching session | Join my email list for random insights | Drop by my Instagram @afsheenshah and say Hi!

Good Girl

You’re my good girl, I’m so lucky to have a good girl like you as my girlfriend. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” ​ He said those words to me almost every night while we were together.

And then cheated on me with a beautiful, blond voluptuous stripper as he spiraled into addiction. ​ ​ ​

My heart felt as if it had been ripped from my body with bare hands when I followed my gut and confronted him about it. ​ He didn’t deny it. ​

It was the biggest gift anyone ever gave me.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the first of several pivotal moments that would ultimately shape the strength, character and resilience that I have since grown to rely on almost daily. ​ It was also the moment that a part of me that had been holding me back my whole life - my inner good girl - drank her first sip of poison. ​ ​ ​ ​

And started laying the foundation for who I continue to become to this day.

The initial anger and grief were mind numbing. I barely ate or slept for months. I kept myself endlessly busy and did anything and everything to avoid, numb and free myself of the pain that inevitably followed. And for almost a full year after, I walked around as a 90 pound shell of the person I used to be. ​ And yet, even in that shell, the “good girl” somehow managed to survive and keep herself alive. ​

Throughout it all, she was careful to keep that smile on her face even when her heart felt like doing nothing but crying. ​ 

✨She ignored the heartache and continued to show up for others even when her heart, mind and body kept begging for rest and pleading with her to show up for herself instead. ​

✨She was the first in every morning at work and one of the last to leave. ​

✨She acted unphased when asked how she was doing and smiled nonchalantly when others complimented her for how “strongly” she was handling it all.

✨She pretended she didn’t care and was “over it” even when it was all she thought about. Whatever it took to make sure nobody would think of her as being weak.

✨She became practiced at hiding her feelings in front of others. ​ And a master of ignoring them when she was alone.

And throughout it all, ​ she continued to work hard to make sure she didn’t disappoint anyone else by being too “caught up” in her own pain. ​ More than ever she put others first so they would all see just how “good” she was.

The relationship may have been gone but

the patterns that had led me there were still well and alive. ​ And continuing to play out. ​

And my inner good girl was hanging on them as if her life depended on it. And for her, it did.

Because without those patterns and all the pain they were repeatedly creating, she wouldn’t exist.

But you can only repress pain for so long. And when the pain becomes too intense to be repressed..it finds other, sneakier ways to express itself. ​ Some can be harmful and lead to even more pain. ​ Others can lead to a rebirth.

My pain found its outlet through the birth of my inner “bad(ass) girl”. ​ She didn’t show up right away. ​ I only saw glimpses of her for the first few years. ​

She was a little unsure of herself and uncertain of what life would look like if she let herself be fully seen. But the more I welcomed her and embraced her insights, the more powerful she became. ​ And that started what ultimately became very own good girl revolution. ​

To be clear, I’m not talking about suddenly burning bras, endless partying, becoming bitter and hating on men, ​ or deliberately trying to be “bad” somehow. ​

I’m also not talking about suddenly becoming a bad person. ​ That’s not what it means to let you of your inner good girl. 🚫

What I’m talking about goes way deeper. It meant tapping into and releasing parts of me that I had refused to acknowledge or allow others to see for years on end.

And once she was visible, I couldn’t stop looking at her. ​

My inner bad doesn’t ignore or avoid pain. ​ She tackles it head on and releases it so it doesn’t stay with her and continues to shape her actions even after the incident that caused the pain has ended. ​

She sets strong boundaries and has no problem letting people know when they’ve crossed them - both at work and in her personal life.

She speaks up when she feels disrespected. ​

She follows the Derek Sivers Rule of saying NO to anything that’s not a HELL YES. ​ ​

She’s willing to disappoint others if it means being supportive of herself instead.

She guards her energy closely and no longer makes herself physically or energetically available to people who don’t have her best interests at heart, don’t deserve her or don’t treat her the way she wants to be treated.

She knows her worth and refuses to let others diminish it simply because her life doesn’t meet their standards for having succeeded as a woman.

She no longer does things just to fit in or meet other people’s expectations. ​ The only approval she needs is her own. ​

She does all of that while still being compassionate, kind and honoring others. She’s pretty badass and loves to have my back.. ​

She’s also made it clear that she’s here to stay. ​ What I love most about her is I see her everywhere I go.

BECAUSE HER ESSENCE IS ALSO PART OF YOU.

The truth is, we all have our version of an inner “bad” girl. ​ But not all of us have learned how to unleash her. Mainly because we are taught from the time we are young to push her away and take on a persona that isn’t truly who we are in order to be loved, accepted and ​ cared for. ​ So we hide her away and do our best to forget she even exists. ​

And pretend we don’t need her...or want her in our life. ​ And that we’re happy exactly as we are without her. We become a mere shadow of the person we are meant to be. ​

And in the process, we dim our light - ​ in some cases turning it off entirely - and tuck our true self away in the dark where she is less likely to be seen. ​ ​ 😔

And less likely to be hurt.

Luckily it’s never too late to turn the lights back on. And step out of hiding and into the big, beautiful light that you were always meant to stand in. ​

✨To bring back those parts of yourself you’ve been denying for so long.

✨To feel whole again. ​

✨To feel free again.

✨To feel like your true self again.

If any of this resonates with you, your inner bad bi*ch is letting you know that she’s ready to step out of the darkness also and join in on the good girl revolution. ​

She ​ is ready to be seen. ​

She’s ready to be loved, accepted and acknowledged for the badass that she truly is. ​

She recognizes that she’s not the outcast that society has made her out to be for so long.

She’s ready to be set free so you can start living life on your own terms. And in a way that lets you be happy -and ​ not just everyone around you.🙌

So if you’re hearing her call- listen to her carefully. ​ There’s wisdom in her words. ​ And the message she brings could completely change your life for the better. 💕

As always,

Afsheen

Ready to live your best life?

Book a coaching session | Join my email list for random insights | Drop by my Instagram @afsheenshah and say Hi!

People pleasing is NOT selfish

I was recently on a call led by someone I respect highly when she told one of the attendees that one of the best ways to let go of people-pleasing tendencies was to remember how “selfish” it is to be a people pleaser.

Some of the other attendees immediately agreed with her and chimed in that not only was it selfish but that it was also an extreme form of manipulation that people used to get the response they want from the person they were pleasing.

WOAH.

I immediately felt myself get triggered as my nervous system went on high alert. The call was supposed to be a safe space to exchange ideas but the way I was feeling inside felt anything but safe.

As a (still) recovering people pleaser, I found myself feeling offended when someone who had not lived my past decided that the traits I took on to survive that past were somehow designed to manipulate others into behaving a certain way so my own needs could be met. Vivid images of the local imam repeatedly slapping me each time my head scarf started to slide slightly off my head or if I dared mispronounce a word while reading the scripture came flooding back in.

And sure - maybe on some level I was meeting a need (primarily the need to not get hit) through the people pleasing behaviors and perfectionism that ultimately flowed from that moment…and many other moments just like it.

But what I was really doing was surviving.

And so are SO many of the women who have spent a big part of their life stuck in people pleasing behavior.

The characterization of people pleasers as selfish and manipulative made me feel as if I was being attacked and that the years I spent in survival mode were somehow being minimized and diminished.

And then it occurred to me that they can’t minimize or diminish something they don’t even know. At least not knowingly. And in order for them to minimize or diminish my experience of people-pleasing, they would have to be aware that different experiences can exist - or are at least possible.

Perhaps their experience of people-pleasing was a reflection of how it had shown up in their own life as a result of their environment and possibly the expectations they were required to live up to. While mine was a reflection of what I had witnessed in my life, based on my environment and the expectations I was expected to meet while growing up..particularly the cultural expectations.

Maybe it never even crossed their minds that not everyone fell into a pattern of people pleasing for the same reason or for that matter, with the same motivation.

While that realization almost immediately calmed my nervous system back down and brought my heart back into an open and compassionate place, I still did not agree with the statements that had been made. And I most definitely did not agree that they should be shared as general “truths”.
Because for many women - people pleasing is anything but selfish or a form of “manipulation”.

It's actually a form of survival.

Which often starts in childhood and becomes a way of life by the time they reach adulthood. Many times it’s borne out of fear or trauma that pervaded their life and created a false narrative that the only way they could stay SAFE- both physically and emotionally- was by pleasing. And doing. And repeatedly sacrificing.

Over time they start believing that behaving in any other way would mean they were no longer worthy, valued, loved…lovable, or god forbid, “good”.

Once these beliefs take root and constantly shape our actions based on who we should be and how we “need” to act, it can be difficult to break free because now it’s just who we are. It becomes our default identity.

And everything we do is a manifestation of that identity.

I don’t see any of that as selfish or manipulative. And I think we walk a slippery slope when we automatically label and characterize any type of behavior, including people pleasing, into a “one size fits all” model.

And as coaches and thought leaders I also think we serve best when we stop looking at behaviors as a label and instead help people break free of both the labels and the behaviors.

So for all the people pleasers out there, including the recovering ones, I see you. You are not a label. You are not selfish. You are not manipulative.

You are someone who was doing the best she could to be the “good girl” everyone expected you to be..and keep yourself feeling safe, loved and whole at a time when all of those things felt incredibly out of reach.

And there’s no shame in that.

I see you, I know you…and once upon a time, I was you. If I can make the changes I needed to, trust me that so can you.

As always,

Afsheen

Ready to live your best life?

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Truth time...I have a love/hate relationship with motivation 😓

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for inspiring and motivating others. It’s part of my brand after all and most of my own success has been - at least in part - inspired or motivated by advice in the books I’ve read, tips others have shared and strategies that I know have worked for others - and felt right for me as well.

But there were plenty of times when the “felt right” part just wasn't there.  And when it wasn't there -  I had ZERO motivation to keep going.   Which is exactly how I started to figure out which strategies were actually worth following - and which ones I needed to toss like yesterday's garbage. All that trial and error taught me that motivation doesn't come from blindly following routines that seem to work for other (seemingly successful) people.

In fact, the few times I did try to force myself into someone else’s “perfect routine”, I ended up in burnout. And in one instance, I triggered a storm of autoimmune issues which took years to manage.

Maybe that’s why I’m so hyper-sensitive to some of the tips that I see about what it takes to “succeed” and how to maximize your time and increasing productivity through a “one size fits all”, rigid and uncompromising routine.

And while I agree that we we all have the same number of hours in each day, the way we can best use them - without ending up overwhelmed or in full on burnout - is often influenced by more than just our thoughts, willpower, or determination. Yes those can play a role in whether we are part of the 5 am club or night owls - but so can our genetics, chronotype, stress levels and even our hormone levels.

That’s why an early wake-up may be ideal for some people while completely decreasing productivity - and in some cases -adversely impacting the health of other people.

So if you want to maximize productivity and long term success, choose a routine that works for YOU - not your favorite author, guru or social media influencer. Find one that you can actually stick with and that leaves you feeling good, both physically and emotionally.

At the end of the day we all know that you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. And yet that’s exactly what most people try to do when it comes to themselves.

Give yourself some grace and space to figure out what works best for you. Start with the basics When are you most productive? When do you do your best thinking? When do you feel most energetic? Are you a morning person or night person? Do you need more than 7 hours sleep or less than 7 hours to feel and perform your best? The answers to those questions should form the foundation for your daily schedule and routine.

If you’re not sure of the answers try using a tracker (Oura ring is my favorite) to help you figure it out if you’re not sure. Or ask for help. There are plenty of people and resources out there that can help you figure out what works best for your body. As an aside, I highly recommend my own performance coach and mentor Angela Foster. She is truly a magician when it comes to maximizing productivity and performance without sacrificing your health (and sanity).

Success isn’t a one-size-fits all process and there’s no one schedule that works for everybody. We’re unique beings with unique, multifaceted needs and abilities. And to make the most of your abilities, you have to be willing to meet your needs.

And there’s no better day to start than today.

Xoxo,
Afsheen

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Reflections from my Inner Bad Girl

I wish I hadn’t been such a “good girl" when I was younger. 

I wish I would’ve broken the rules more often.  Studied a little less. Allowed myself to have more fun.  Put travel before money.  Worried less about debt and more about experiences.  Valued  pleasure just as much as I valued success.

I also wish I had spent more nights partying my butt off like some of my friends, started drinking waaay earlier than I actually did,  and hooked up with all the hot guys I met along the way instead of turning them away.  

And I definitely wish I would have spent a lot more nights coming home long after the sun was already up and miserably regretting it the next day.

As I enter my 50th year on this earth I am grateful for all the experiences I’ve had - but I spent far too much of my life being a “good girl” who prided herself on always  “doing the right thing”, keeping my head down and my nose in the books so I could “make something of myself, always watching my mouth (unlike the F bombs I frequently drop now), never partying too hard or after hours , staying away from the “bad” boys (well trying anyway), and never ever  drawing too much attention to myself.

Those were the things that were reserved for the “bad girls”.  

Some of those so-called “bad girls” were friends of mine.  Friends who have lived full, rewarding and pretty damn delicious lives.  Their lives haven’t been easy or problem free by any means and every now and then, even they feel a slight pang of regret. But they’ve lived in a way that felt true to them.  A life that’s chock full of memories that still bring a smile to their face.

And no one questions if they’re “good” or “bad” anymore.  

Now that I'm older (much older lol), I can’t help but wonder - why is the definition of whether a woman -or man for that matter -  has to be based on whether they follow the same path as everyone around them?

 And why is that path based on superficial things like what they wear, what they do, how much money they make, how “demure” they are or even how many partners they’ve had - instead of simply getting to know them for WHO they are?  

I drank the kool-aid too. For a long time I held on to a false narrative of who I had to be and what I needed to do to make sure I would be seen as a “good girl” . I bought into and actively supported the good girl programming and beliefs that had been passed down to me from so many others, and even started to see others through the lens of that programming.  

The worst part is that a lifetime of good girl programming didn’t just limit me in my personal life.  Once I started working it even bled over into my work life...often keeping me silent during meetings even when I knew I had a lot to contribute, stopping me dead in my tracks every time I found myself disagreeing with a position others were taking… and frequently keeping me trapped in situations that I knew I was better off leaving behind.  

I repeatedly played right into the hands of the good girl programming that my culture and society at large had laid down as gospel.  I was chained to the image and illusion of becoming who I thought I “should” be instead of embracing who I truly was.   

And somehow that illusion of who I should be always seemed to be  one step ahead of me.  She was impossible to catch and I could never match the perfection she constantly allured me with.  Somehow she was always faster, more successful, more lovable and more desirable than me. Maybe that’s why it always seemed that no matter what I did or how much I accomplished,  it never seemed to be enough.  I was constantly chasing a myth that had no place in my reality. 

And running a race I could never truly win.   

So I stopped running.  And ironically, that’s also exactly the moment I started winning. That’s the beauty of running your own race.  You will always win.  Because the only person you’re competing against is yourself. And if your image of yourself is healthy and aligned with who you want to be instead of who you think you should be or need to be - the race becomes effortless.

And so does your ability to show up as your true self.

There is a unique sense of freedom that comes from breaking free of paradigms that aren’t reflective of who you truly are. You find yourself automatically gravitating towards the things that bring you joy, feel aligned with who you are and make your heart feel alive.  You learn to discern between desire and need and have no problem walking away from people, places and circumstances that you thought you needed but don’t actually desire.

You become a woman who’s not afraid to stand in her power, show up as her authentic self, and speak her mind and shine her light so brightly that even the sun might be a little jealous. ;)  

Maybe that's what my definition of a “good girl” should have been all along. Either way, it’s the one I live by now.  And it’s the one I will continue to live by and hopefully be able to share and pass down to women who will be around long after I’m gone. 

Don’t give up who you truly are to become someone you think others will want (or like) better.  It’s not worth it and it won’t give you the happy ending that’s promised along the way.  It’s also never too late  to live life in a way that feels true to you, even if it means disappointing others.  

You get to decide what you want for yourself - without shame, fear or guilt about what others might think.  

There are women all across the world  fighting for their right to express themselves and be who they truly are.  Some are even dying for those rights.  It’s time to stand in solidarity with them. It’s time for a #goodgirlrevolution. 

Who’s in?

Xoxo,
Afsheen

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The Secret to Building More Meaningful Connections with Others

A common complaint I hear from clients is they feel as if they are lacking meaningful connections.  They don’t want to spend time in conversations that are just “surface level”.  They want depth, meaning and substance.  

I get it, I crave those things also.

A big part of cultivating more meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others (and ultimately creating a more meaningful and fulfilled life) involves knowing when - and how - to have difficult conversations with others.  But before we can truly lean into difficult conversations with others, we need to be willing to have difficult conversations with ourself.  

After all, YOU are the most impactful person in your life and also the person you spend the most time with on a daily basis (literally 24/7!)  And the conversations you're having with yourself can often determine the level of success you're experiencing...or not experiencing. 

Both in life, and in your relationships with others. 

So if you truly want to build more meaningful relationships with others, start by reconnecting with yourself.  Ask the hard questions, feel the deep feelings and let yourself see the parts that you may have been avoiding. 

Not sure how to get started? Here’s a few prompts to help you start getting to know yourself on a deeper level and start creating more success in the areas that matter most to you:

1) What are you pretending not to know or ignoring when it comes to what you truly want in life? 

2) What are you gaining from pretending not to know it- in other words what are you  avoiding by pretending to not know? 

3) What needs to change now that you know the truth? 

These questions have always helped guide me through stressful and challenging situations.  And while the process of answering these questions isn't always easy, it will likely be pretty eye opening.  And in my experience, just starting the inner dialogue, and reflecting on what the answers might be can help you show up more powerfully and authentically, both for yourself and for others.  

Let me know how it worked out for you!

Xoxo,
Afsheen

Ready to live your best life?

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How different do you think your life would be if you focused more on the things that ARE working out for you and less on the ones that aren't?

How different do you think your life would be if you focused more on the things that ARE working out for you and less on the ones that aren't?

Since the time we are little we’re taught to focus on where we fall short.

In school, papers mark what you got wrong - not what you got right.

In the workplace reviews usually focus on where you need to improve with little emphasis (if any) on what you’re doing right.

Even in relationships, I constantly hear people complain that their significant other is always finding their flaws.

It’s no wonder most of us are constantly focusing on what’s wrong and needs improvement as opposed to what’s right and should be celebrated and cultivated. Our whole life we’re trained and conditioned to look for the problems - in ourselves, our lives and even in other people.

I was recently working with a client who mentioned she felt as if she was wasting her life because she hadn’t had any “real” wins in a while and was still years away from reaching her financial goals.

She felt depleted, depressed and discouraged. And as much as she hated feeling that way, she also didn’t know how to change it.

The answer was actually pretty simple, she needed to shift her focus from how far she still had to go to how far she had already come. The problem was she was so focused on the things she was doing “wrong” in life that she was missing all the things that she was doing RIGHT.

In his book “The Gap and the Gain”, Benjamin Hardy talks about how unhappy successful people tend to focus on the gap between where they are as compared to where they want to be, while happy successful people focus on the progress - and gains - they’ve made since they first started.

By focusing on what she hadn’t achieved, my client was keeping herself trapped in the gap. To get her out of the gap, we started a “gains list”.

Every day at the end of the day my client reflected on at least one thing that had gone well for her or moved her forward in some way. And it didn’t even have to relate directly to her goal. As long as she had gained something from it, it went on the list.

And everything that went on the list got celebrated. It didn’t take long for her to shift her focus OFF the things she felt were going wrong and onto everything that was RIGHT.

Her mood changed, her attitude changed, even the way she showed upon our calls started to change.

She was energized, radiant and hopeful. Exactly the opposite of our first call together.

My invitation to you today is to take a few minutes to reflect on your own gains and what they mean to you. Take some time to appreciate your progress and thank yourself for all the work you've done to get to exactly where you are right this minute.

It seems like a simple concept but the effects can be life changing.

I would love to hear about your gains and what you’re feeling proud of! So drop a comment below and let me know what’s going on YOUR gain list today.

Xoxo,
Afsheen

Ready to live your best life?

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Sometimes you have to just be in the moment

It’s true what they say, sometimes you have to just be in the moment. And not just the good ones that fill your heart with joy and gratitude - but the bad ones also.

The ones that fill your heart with an unexplainable sadness and melancholy.

As grateful as I am for this past year, if I’m being really honest, 2022 was a mixed bag for me. There were plenty of highs.

But there were also plenty of lows. And I think they deserve just as much acknowledgement and respect as the highs.

And as I sat and reflected on the past year so I could plan this next one I felt the lows start to loom larger and take a form of their own..as if to challenge me and mock my plans for the upcoming year.
They had snuck in like a trojan horse and suddenly taken control of my mind, filling me with doubt and questioning the steps I had taken over the year that just passed and those I was planning to take in the year to come.

Stealthy little suckers those self-defeating thoughts.

But the truth is, we all have them. It’s part of being human. It’s also part of growing and evolving.
A younger version of me would have either turned away from these thoughts and pretended they weren’t there - or spiraled into a black hole of self-criticism, blame, shame and negativity. That version is still a part of me - she just no longer runs the show.

Which is how I know I’ve made progress in this ever continuing journey of self exploration, growth and awareness.

Because the version that is currently staring back in the mirror at me didn’t shame, or judge or hide - she got curious.

I found myself asking what would happen if I just sat with those feelings and let myself feel them instead of hiding from them or judging them. And what if I didn’t worry about raising my vibration or jumping back into positivity as quickly as possible? What if I let these “low vibe” thoughts and feelings tell me why they were here instead?

And so I sat. And I listened. And let the thoughts unfold.

And the more I welcomed them and allowed them to be, the less they started to impact me. You see sometimes it’s less about actually changing the thoughts and emotions and more about changing the impact they have on us. And we can’t change what we can’t see. Which is why bearing witness to our thoughts and emotions - especially the painful and unwanted ones - can actually be such a powerful catalyst for changing and releasing them.

And the gateway for making progress on this beautiful journey we know as life.

Progress and growth isn’t measured or defined by avoiding unwanted thoughts, feelings and emotions. That’s just a form of denial. True progress and growth is reflected in our responses to any unwanted thoughts, emotions and feelings that may come unexpectedly strolling into our minds and bodies.

So the next time you find yourself thinking thoughts you’d rather not have, feeling emotions you’d rather ignore, I invite you to get curious. Ask yourself what are they trying to say to you..what are they hoping to make you aware of?

The answers may surprise you, and possibly even set you free. 💕

Xoxo,
Afsheen

Ready to live your best life?

Book a coaching session | Join my email list for random insights | Drop by my Instagram @afsheenshah and say Hi!